in keeping with my tradition of only writing a new version of “twas the night before Christmas” on even-numbered years, here’s the one i wrote for Christmas 2010.

enjoy.

‘twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not one light was shining, save an optical mouse;
the downloads were steady from the torrents a’seedin’,
the screensaver a bouncing dodecahedron.

young Bobby was nestled all snug in his bed,
as hopeful suspicions danced in his head;
what gifts would he get? some toys? maybe cash!
little did he know, St. Nick was totally smashed.

Santa had taken a shot…or three, or four
of whiskey til drunk, he passed out on the floor;
the elves tried to rouse him. but to their dismay,
he’d chortle, roll over, start weeping and say:

“git offa me, ya li’l stinkin’ pieces a’ coal.
dun’y'know santa’s got things un’r control?”
the elves listened wide-eyed, not making a peep,
“i’ll take’care a’it” and with that, he fell back asleep.

unfortunately for Bobby and all children in general,
it was the booze talking during his waking ephemeral;
the elves didn’t know better, so they left him alone,
so there Santa slept, on the floor of his home;

this time would be different from past years a’many,
no kids would get presents, not one, not any;
for no reindeer would fly under stars aflicker,
all because Santa couldn’t hold his liquor.