looks like some smart, heavily bearded Californians have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting a nearby red dwarf star. this newly discovered planet (which i’ve codenamed “Gunther”) is more than three times the mass of Earth and completes a full orbit of its sun (which scientists have named Gliese 581) every 37 days. Gunther also orbits in such a way that one side of it is always facing Gliese 581 while Gunther’s brooding, murderous side basks in perpetual darkness.

unfortunately, Gunther is 20 light years or approximately 118,000,000,000,000 miles away so it’ll be a while before we can savagely exterminate the native Guntherians and establish a colony.