it’s difficult for me to adequately summarize the tremendous failure that was 2009 but i’ll try anyway.
i slept through Obama’s inauguration, spilled tea on my laptop, had my camera stolen, lost my job in LA, was diagnosed with avascular necrosis in my left hip, twisted my right ankle in Toronto, directly funded Kim Jong-Il’s oppressive regime while in Phnom Penh and lost my last remaining grandparent.
here’s hoping that 2010 will turn out better.
i’ve started playing Gran Turismo 4 again recently, a game which i’ve been stuck at 93.1% completion for some time now. i can’t advance past this point because i’m terrible at it and because 6.9% of the game remains unvanquished, there are several prize cars that i have yet to unlock.
enter Beka’s cousin here in Los Angeles who also owns GT4 and, perhaps more importantly, one of those cheating programs for the PlayStation 2. via the cheating device, he has successfully unlocked every single car in the game and has them all stashed away in his in-game garage. since GT4 allows trading between garages, all i had to do was access his save file from mine and then simply buy the cars i didn’t have. some two million in-game dollars later, my collection is complete but my life remains as empty as ever.
just kidding. it’s emptier. Merry Christmas.
in light of the recent bombing attempt of Northwest Airlines flight 253 that involved a volatile mixture of powder and liquid being ignited on its final descent into Detroit, the security goons in Washington have decided to make air travel more annoying than ever. according to a recently leaked aviation security directive, the new developments are as follows:
- Perform thorough pat-down of all passengers at boarding gate prior to boarding, concentrating on upper legs and torso.
- Physically inspect 100 percent of all passenger accessible property at the boarding gate prior to boarding, with focus on syringes being transported along with powders and/or liquids.
- Passengers must remain in seats beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
- Passenger access to carry-on baggage is prohibited beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
- Disable aircraft-integrated passenger communications systems and services (phone, internet access services, live television programming, global positioning systems) prior to boarding and during all phases of flight.
- While over U.S. airspace, flight crew may not make any announcement to passengers concerning flight path or position over cities or landmarks.
- Passengers may not have any blankets, pillows, or personal belongings on the lap beginning 1 hour prior to arrival at destination.
for those of you who skimmed or cannot be bothered to read the malarkey above word for word, i’ve taken the liberty of summing all of this up for you in clear, simple language so you’ll be prepared for your next carefree, fun-filled flight.
- Someone will inspect your genitals for explosives at the gate.
- Security personnel will turn your luggage inside out and will throw out all of your insulin and baby formula.
- You will be cut off from all contact with the outside world during your flight.
- The captain will no longer alert you of the spectacular view of the Grand Canyon out the starboard windows.
- Personal enjoyment and comfort are forbidden during the last hour of flight.
enjoy! i know i will.
so the only things i can eat right now without my mouth hurting are ice cream, yogurt and soup. i know i’m hungry but the pain is killing my appetite and, subsequently, my will to live. all i know is that once my mouth is all healed up, i’m going to eat a lot a lot a lot of Filipino food to make up for the past few days.
and then i’m going to have a massive coronary.
i’ve got four canker sores in my mouth right now: one on the left tip of my tongue, two on the right underside of my tongue and one on the inside of my upper lip. talking is annoying, eating is painful but at least my stomach is full, i’ve got a warm bed to sleep in and my body is currently not on on fire.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
i had a sore throat last night so i slept with a piece of raw ginger in my mouth which is an old Chinese remedy that’s been used in my family for generations. normally it doesn’t taste like much but at some point early this morning, i accidentally bit down and was awakened with a sudden fiery burst of ginger flavor. YUM.
feeling a little under the weather but i’ve got a Hello Kitty band-aid on my hand so it’s all okay.
so we decided to take one of those gambling buses that shuttle Chinese people between LA and Las Vegas yesterday because it ended up being much cheaper than renting a car and driving ourselves. unfortunately, we hit traffic and what was supposed to be a four hour bus ride turned into a six hour festival of shame with babies screaming and people talking loudly on their cellphones in ugly languages.
but no matter. we’re here now and the weather is nice. sucks to you, Chicago winter; i’m wearing sandals.