among the most inconveniently convenient inventions of recent history is the automatic faucet.

unless you’ve been living in a rusty, disused boxcar underneath several rustier, even more disused boxcars, odds are you’ve had some experience with these knobless wonders.

the concept is simple: faucets with motion sensors = hands-free operation and no more soapy handles

in a perfect world, i’d imagine this innovation being a raving success in public restrooms everywhere. the masses would sing its praises with freshly cleaned hands raised skyward and tearful testimonies would be given of how they’ve irrevocably changed lives for the better. however, the real world isn’t as perfect as we’d like.

in fact, it’s downright awful.

and nowhere is the ugly truth more evident than in the constant malfunction of automatic faucets. why it takes an elaborate series of flowery hand motions to make it work puzzles me to no end. why it never stays on for more than two seconds at a time confuses me even more. and to top it off, why in the world can’t i control the pressure or temperature?!

so dumb!!!

i bought some photo paper today and the cashier asked me if i was a teacher!

well i’ll be! a teacher! fancy that.

i was in the McDonald’s drive-thru lane the other day patiently waiting for my order when the guy finally opens the little window and hands me my drink.

McDawg: where you at?

ivan: what?

McDawg: you college?

ivan: yeah

McDawg: WOOOOOOOOO!!! (points)

ivan: …?

McDawg: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ivan: …

McDawg: here you go (hands me my McFood)

ivan: thanks

today i find myself truly relaxed for the first time in a long time.

it’s muggy and raining outside, but i’m indoors with the air conditioning on. i’ve got a tall glass of ice cold water next to me and Louis Armstrong is playing on the sound system. it’s a wonderful world…

…until tomorrow morning >:O

i watched Team America: World Police and it was stunningly retarded.

impressive puppeteering, though.

yet another installment of “live help harassment” except this time i decided to pick on a reference librarian. i never could stand their kind. they think they know everything.

this time i pose as a confused Russian.

vasili: what time period do the Ishmael, herder of camels live?

[librarian has joined the session]

vasili: greetings?

librarian: Let me see what I can find. I assume you are referring to the Ishmael in the Bible?

vasili: no! is different ishmael! this Ishmael not weak. he is strong. he conquer many camels!

librarian: I am not familiar with any other literary reference to an Ishmael (except a recent book about the environment), but it is a common name.

vasili: do not toy with me

librarian: I am a librarian. I do not know everything. You will need to give me a little help.

vasili: you are a reference! you help me!

librarian: I can’t find a reference on Google to “Ishmael, herder of camels.” I can find a date for the Ishmael mentioned in the Bible.

vasili: how dare you

librarian: How dare I what?

vasili: i say is not ishmael from bible! you say i’m stupid?

vasili: you think because i’m just come to this country that i no sense?

librarian: I am not saying you are stupid, but I AM saying that I cannot find what Ishmael you are asking about without a little more information from you.

vasili: i tell you he strong! herd many camel!

librarian: That doesn’t help.

librarian: How did you find about about him?

vasili: in sleep dream

librarian: Ah. Well, in that case I can’t help you. Perhaps you will dream about him again and find the answers there.

vasili: one night he come to my sleep. i see him. he STRONG! many camel with him. and he say to me “vasili! you must find my histories!”

librarian: You will need to get guidance from someone other than a librarian.

vasili: will help if i say what he look like?

librarian: I’m afraid not. We librarians can’t look people up by their facial features.

vasili: not face! clothes! i tell you what he wear. maybe that help find time?

librarian: We can’t look people up by their clothes, either.

librarian: However, perhaps his clothes would give some indication of his place and time.

vasili: yes! that is what i’m say. ready for tell?

librarian: Libraries do have books of costume. You will probably need to look at the pictures to see if you can recognize the style. You can describe it to me, but I probably don’t know enough about constume to give you an answer.

vasili: ok i tell to you

librarian: go ahead

vasili: he have around head a cloth

librarian: A turbin?

vasili: yes yes! turbo

vasili: then on hand, he have a white glove with many diamond

vasili: he also wear big cape.

vasili: and his feets! he has BIG SHOE! bigger than stalin!

vasili: he have no pant

vasili: pants? or is pant

vasili: my english less good

librarian: Pants.

vasili: ok. no has pants

vasili: he also say he going to kill someone with name izik?

vasili: aizuk? i know no spell

vasili: he say is brother. don’t know why want hurt brother! is family!

librarian: However it is spelled, it is probably related to the name “Isaac.”

vasili: ok so he want isaac die

vasili: is any Ishmael have brother isaac?

librarian: Many. They are names that are very likely to appear together.

vasili: he say father like isaac and not him

vasili: that why he say want kill

vasili: he ANGER! and STRONG!

vasili: many camel

librarian: vasili - I’m afraid I have to log off.

[librarian has closed this session]

i saw my supervisor for the first time in weeks today. *yawn*

yesterday i went to get some immunization shots (Hepatitis A and Tetanus/Diptheria combo with fries) for an upcoming trip.

so i got to the doctor’s office, signed in, paid the surly nurse $25, got a receipt, sat down, got up, had my weight taken (why must they do this every time regardless of what you’re in for?!), waited in a cramped examination room, stared at a charming but largely uninformative poster regarding overactive bladders, waited some more, looked out the window, went back to the poster, noticed that the biohazard receptacle was overflowing, stared at my feet, reread the text concerning overactive bladders in its entirety trying to figure out why the devil such things warranted entire posters, scanned the ceiling for security cameras, waited some more, and THE DOCTOR FINALLY WANDERED IN.

he then quickly impaled me twice and stormed out of the room muttering to himself.

sometimes it’s healthy (if not downright vital) that we revisit the simpler things from time to time in this age of cordless nosehair trimmers, I-Pass lanes, automatic faucets, and optical mice.

this morning was healthy (if not downright vital).

on a whim, i busted out my shiny black Nikkormat FT3 and loaded it with a roll of film that, strangely enough, i found in a bus shelter the morning before. i then proceeded to laugh manically as i fired off 36 frames in a span of 15 minutes. what can i say, it was great to be shooting with a mechanical camera again. there’s just something about the clink and click of an oldschool camera that satisfies in a way its ultramodern descendants cannot.

not to mention that this thing very easily doubles as a cast iron bludgeon.