whilst engaged in conversation pertaining to a topic beyond the grasp of your limited experience and expertise, perhaps the most advantageous course of action available to you is KEEPIN YO MOUF SHUTS.

the question:
how do you get from UIC (UIC/Halsted) to Northwestern (Noyes) via CTA?

the answers:
hop an inbound Blue Line train and get off at LaSalle, walk a block north, get on Purple Line LaSalle, ride til Noyes. (fare: $2.00)

take inbound Blue Line and get off at Clark/Lake, walk upstairs and transfer for free to Purple Line, take a largely unnecessary tour of the Loop and eventually get off at Noyes. (fare: $1.75)

what the RTA says:
get on an OUTBOUND Blue Line train from an imaginary stop located at the corner of Archer and Wallace (southwest of Chinatown), get off at another fictitious stop in the opposite direction of travel located at the corner of Adams and Clark, transfer to Purple Line at nonexistent station, get off at mythical stop at Elgin and Chicago which puts you in a completely different town over ten miles southwest of Northwestern. (fare: 6,274,638.52 Swedish Rupees)

nice.

a word of advice: if you’re on an escalator in the city, PLEASE WALK. i am so very sick and tired of missing trains because some fat ignoramus doesn’t know any common courtesy.

if you’re the only one on a narrow escalator, feel free to stand as long as you’re alone. HOWEVER, IF YOU AREN’T ALONE AND YOU IGNORE THE SEVERAL PEOPLE BEHIND YOU THAT ARE YELLING FOR YOU TO MOVE…

please comply or we will shoot you…a smile!

and then we’ll slaughter your family…a pig!

and then we’ll burn your home down…while laughing maniacally.

i’ve recently become an ebay fiend.

help!

i was waiting at a train platform the other day when i noticed an old man slowly walking in my direction. being who i am, i avoid contact with strangers whenever possible so i decide to sit down at the edge of the platform and wait for him to pass me. so i’m sitting there staring at the tracks as i sense him making his way past behind me when he suddenly coughs.

HE COUGHED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

there are many different types of coughs that i would’ve expected to come out from this man: the old man’s hack’n'wheeze or maybe even the hearty smoker’s cough, but not a little girl’s cough. as soon as i heard it, the image of a posh little princess seated at a large dinner table materialized in my head. she lets loose a little cough, covers her mouth with a few fingers and flashes an embarrassed smile at her stone faced father who glares down at her disapprovingly. the king then sucks down his goblet of wine and wonders what he did to deserve a failure for a daughter.

a heavy sigh reverberates throughout the palace.

okay, everyone take a wild stab at what that is. it’s my AIM buddy icon and NOBODY seems to be able to correctly identify it. i’ve heard everything from “a thermos” to “a little man.” personally, i think it’s painfully apparent (but that’s probably because i took the picture).

anyway, humor me and guess.

there are people who are clearly male and those that are clearly female. then there are those that make this supposedly clear-cut, apparent difference a very thin, almost invisible line.

i’m fairly confident that all of you have had at least one encounter with a tween*. you’re with your buddies at the local discoteca knittin’ sweaters when suddenly you notice one. stealthily, you alert your friends who join you in what can only be described as “group staring.” “is that a chick?” one of them asks. “naw, that’s a dude…i think?” responds another. going up and asking is MOST DEFINITELY out of the question so half-hearted debate ensues as neither side can confidently label said tween’s physical appearance.

then you eventually drop the subject and all go back to knitting.

* yes, i’m aware that this term is commonly used as a synonym for pre-adolescents**
** stupid kids…