HONGKIE PORRIDGE  01.31.2004

i like HK movies. i really do. however, i can’t help but notice how 99% of them are cop movies. cop movies that go something like this.

    - villain kills hero’s parent/sibling/spouse/partner.
    - seething with rage, hero vows to avenge parent/sibling/spouse/partner.
    - hero busts into villain’s hideout with guns blazing.
    - villain’s incompetent lackeys die, villain escapes and disappears.
    - hero’s boss threatens hero with dismissal for not following procedure.
    - hero disregards boss’s warning and tries to track villain down.
    - boss argues with hero until hero throws down his badge and storms out.
    - relieved of duty, hero becomes vigilante and finds villain’s secret lair.
    - meanwhile, villain plans to blow up building of political importance.
    - police, working without hero, discover villain’s scheme and secret lair.
    - hero sneaks into villain’s lair seeking sweet revenge.
    - police infiltrate villain’s lair to save politically important building.
    - big firefight ensues.
    - everyone dies except hero, hero’s boss and villain.
    - hero and hero’s boss join forces and finally corner villain.
    - hero dispenses justice and kills villain.
    - hero’s boss reconciles with hero, restores hero to former position.
    - roll credits while playing Jacky Cheung’s latest hit single.

in addition to all that, the cops have these weird english nicknames like Tequila, Match, Cola, Rock, Mozart, etc… and let’s not forget about the excessive (and usually unnecessary) destruction and whiny female characters that are usually present in these films.

despite all of this, however, i still like HK movies. Edison Chen is my hero. i want to be just like him when i’m slightly older.

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POLAR KNEECAPS  01.30.2004

what it says:

what it should say:

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SUPOIB  01.29.2004

well, it seems that my lucky streak with the trains has ended. along with my perfect attendance for the semester.

they decided to switch tracks today…without telling me, of course. so i watched in horror as the train pulled into the other side of the station, leaving me no room to run over (lest i be caught and fined a handsome sum). i decided it wasn’t worth it so i came back home. i only have one class today and the next train gets to Chicago when it’s just about over anyway. i told myself to fuggedaboudit.

so i fuggodaboudit.

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SMELLS LIKE HELICOPTER  01.28.2004

i saw Madhur on a westbound Forest Park this morning. i haven’t seen that guy since last year. so why is this blogworthy? no, it’s not because he handed me the keys to a new Z33 or spontaneously broke out into song. it’s because of the seemingly coincidental chain of events that led up to this meeting.

i woke up late today. or to be more precise, i woke up about five minutes before my train was scheduled to roll in. i decided to screw it and take the next one at 8:44. the thing about the 8:44 is that it doesn’t run express (it takes more than an hour as opposed to half one) which means that i would get there around 9:55, leaving me insufficient time to walk a few blocks and jump a subway to class. oi.

so i get to the train station at about 8:40 and start waiting for the train. i wait and i wait and i wait. still no train? what gives? i ask the ticket booth lady if the train is still coming. with a nod, she assures me that it’s on its way.

it’s a bit past 9:00 when the train FINALLY pulls into the station. “there’s no way i’m getting to class on time,” i thought. but then the conductor comes over the intercom and informs us that the train will be running express from the next stop to Union Station. score! so half an hour comes and goes and i find myself in the city at 9:30…way more than enough time to make it to class.

i walk a few blocks to the subway and as luck would have it, get down the stairs in time to see it pull away. gah. so thinking i had time to shoot a few pictures, i start walking towards the end of the platform. as i reach the other side, i glance behind me and see that another train is right around the bend and about to pull in! what luck! so i stop where i am and wait for the train to stop. i walk in through the double doors and there Madhur is, sitting in the seat right next to the door.

turns out that for some reason, he has to come to The University everyday for the next week or so.

what are the odds?

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INSPECTOR GADGET  01.27.2004

i saw this guy on the train this morning who had a HUMONGOUS coat. no, he wasn’t fat…he just had a really really really big coat with at least a dozen cargo-style pockets. it was insane! he could fit his family into those pockets and save money on plane tickets.

anyway. for those of you who didn’t quite get what yesterday’s post was all about, check out whatsyourantidrug.com. hopefully it will shed some light on the spoof i made. (this will be a continuing series for as long as i can come up with clever “anti-drugs.”)

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WIGGLE TWIST AHHHH  01.25.2004

Super Esther: i was like “hmm.. i haven’t worn a cartilage ring in a while”
Super Esther: so i picked up an earring
Super Esther: noticed there wasn’t really much of a hole (or rather none at all)
Super Esther: but usually it’s just the surface that gets covered over
Super Esther: so i pushed in the general area where it should’ve been
Super Esther: broke skin
Super Esther: it hurt and i bled
Super Esther: thought “hmm.. maybe that wasn’t the right place”
Super Esther: but then skin didn’t break anywhere else
Super Esther: so went back
Super Esther: pushed
Super Esther: ouch
Super Esther: got maybe half way through
Super Esther: pushed again
Super Esther: ouch
Super Esther: 3/4ths
Super Esther: was almost to the end
Super Esther: pushed REALLY hard
Super Esther: got through
Super Esther: and it burned
Super Esther: i think my earring has a faint tinge of the color of blood now

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MEH.  01.25.2004

meh.

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SOMETHING CLEVER BUT I FORGOT  01.24.2004

i woke up in the middle of the night to find the INSIDE of my DOWN COMFORTER to be FREEZING COLD…a sensation that was unknown to me up until four this morning.

when i finally got up, i checked the thermometer and saw that it was ABOUT 50°F (10°C) IN MY ROOM.

the cause of this? apparently my windows “leak.” i guess it doesn’t help that my vents are sealed either. or that i sleep with the door closed air-tight. i literally walk out of my room into a backdraft in the mornings.

one of these days i’m going to wake up and find miniature woolly mammoths wandering across the carpet tundra.

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FAT DON AND THE PIZZA MAN  01.23.2004

“ads that rock” #002

welcome to another installment of “ads that rock.” today we’re going to take a look at a popup for a not-so-well-known university.

the ad is actually a flash animation but i’m not going to put it on my site. instead, i’ve taken the liberty of posting the final frame of the ad…the part that’s supposed to entertain your curiousity and attention after the fancy stuff captures it.

don’t need no credit card to riiiide this traaaaiiiin

“get the degree you want with the time you have,” it boasts. well, how is that different from any other university? nobody in their right mind is running around getting degrees they don’t want with time they don’t have. but of course, the tagline may look mighty tempting if you don’t think for a second and realize that it’s what EVERY higher education institution offers. nice try, ******* university, but you ain’t getting my hard-begged pennies today.

okay, so let’s say that you buy into the first part of their ad. now filled with determination to get your degree, your eyes tilt slightly downwards to the lower half only to read the best line ever “campuses CONVENIENTLY located throughout VIRGINIA.” wow! you don’t say! it’s great because EVERYONE that uses the internet lives in Virginia and can therefore attend fancypants university! well, they certainly thought of everything! i’m there!

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