well, a new layout is out. hope you like it.

i think the plastic fork is by far the lowest form of eating utensil in existence. for one thing, it’s a FORK. and as we all know, forks are crude, barbaric tools. there are many ways to handle food: you can scoop it, grab it, cut it, but for heaven’s sake…why STABBING? i would think that plunging sharp objects into things is usually reserved for archers, axe murderers and Benicio Del Toro…not for the average westerner, but apparently i’m wrong.

well…back to the subject, the other major component of a plastic fork is the plastic. they’re so freakin’ flimsy! it takes exorbitant amounts of time and effort to effectively stab anything firmer than a wet sponge. some types of meat are doable to an extent but don’t even THINK about stabbing broccoli because it just ain’t happenin’ foo.

i like my stainless steel chopsticks thank you very much.

the subject of my little sister’s boy craziness has been brought to my attention several times within the past few months so i feel compelled to officially address the matter.

touch my sister and DIE.

anyone who even considers pursuing my sister has to go through her two older brothers first…and depending on who you are, we’ll either subject you to extensive interviews and background checks or we’ll just straight up bury you in a wall. and for those of you who somehow slip through our filters, you better be good to her. i swear, i don’t care if you’re a three-time world judo champion or a pencil-necked geek. i WILL hunt you down like a dog and gut you like a fish if you don’t treat her right.

you think i’m kidding, don’t you?

i wish life had an undo button. it would be like your safety harness should you fall, your heimlich maneuver when you choke, your cup in time of need. not only would it allow you to instantaneously correct your mistakes, but it would allow you to take more risks in life without the hesitation and insecurity. wouldn’t that be great?

yeah…it would, wouldn’t it? after all, life is way too bogus to be regret-free. but don’t think about it too much or reality will hit you like a bellyflopping fat man, with his folds of fat rippling in mid-air, hits water. hard.

did i make you cringe with that last analogy?

back at good ol’ The University. i’ve missed this place so much and it feels so great to be back now. ahhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaah.

i need to find an apaaaaaartmeeeeeeeent…NOW.

life would be a lot easier if i had a time machine and a ruthless assassin at my disposal. why, you ask? simple. so i could rid the world of lesser mortals without being blamed for their deaths. fed up with working in a cubicle all day? send your assassin back 30 years to eliminate the creator of these vile enclosures before he even comes up with the idea! good idea, huh?

the only concern is the notion of inadvertently screwing up the space time continuum. say that you offed the clown who invented math because you were fed up with number crunching. not only would you succeed in erasing him, you would probably also single-handedly set our civilization a few hundred years back. in other words, do something wrong and you could potentially make the world a worse place to live.

on second thought, i take it back. life would be a lot easier if i had money. ah…that seems about right.

ever notice how in society’s eyes, obese animals are cute but obese people are ugly?

Gizmo is pretty chubby, so therefore he’s adorable. sometimes he tucks his front paws under his furry flab when he sits down and it makes him look like a ball of fuzz with a head and a tail. cute.

try the same thing with a person. Ruttiger is pretty darn fat, therefore ugly. his elephantine stomach covers his lower torso all the way down to his knees when he sits down. he hasn’t seen his toes since early high school. not so cute.

nope, i don’t have a point. do i ever?

i know this comes a bit late because she’s no longer very popular (thank heavens), but i absolutely cannot STAND Nelly Furtado.

whoever invented the cubicle must have been drunk and/or unhappy at the time. i mean, what kind of FREAK would even think it up in the first place? hey, look! employees of some sort! let’s get these 8×8 boxes and shove ‘em on in! oh wait, that’s too cruel, let’s lift off the roof and lower the walls to below eye level, then remove the door so there’s just this huge gap where everyone can see in! that ought to make them feel better about their jobs.

i actually don’t really mind being in a cubicle, but the lack of door does get to me sometimes…and the below eye level walls annoy me too…along with the total lack of any real privacy. alright, nevermind…i detest working in cubicles. i think i’d be more content with working in the janitor’s closet. that way, i could get some serious nothing done without being interrupted.

if you think about it, there is no real incentive for the hourly paid employee to get much work done. in fact, there’s incentive to NOT get work done. bwahahaha.

take me, for instance. i get paid by the hour so the more time i spend “working,” the more money i get. savvy? so i sit down at my desk with a list of 300 credit accounts waiting to be transferred from Easton to Philly…a list i can easily finish in under five hours. but do i have any reason to work that efficiently? not really.

and what happens to me if i get it done quickly? i get assigned more work…work that could potentially be more complicated than just transferring accounts…work that i would rather put off for as long as possible. so naturally, i take that list and stretch it over two and a half days, taking my sweet old time and plenty of breaks. and c’mon, you can’t blame me for taking 20 hours’ pay over five.

if companies REALLY wanted to be efficient, they would divide up the work that needs to be done and label each batch with a dollar amount…then they would hire office mercenaries. these temps of fortune would hungrily devour this workload, thus reaping the benefits of their efficiency.

but until all that happens, just call me stretch armstrong.